


And A Thousand Other Variations

by Precisely_Measured_Words (Measured_Words)



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Biting, Dinosaurs, Dogs, Drabble Sequence, Elves, F/F, F/M, Gen, Nudity, Shenanigans, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 21:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Measured_Words/pseuds/Precisely_Measured_Words
Summary: It wasn't always Eleanor who figures it out: ten separate resets.





	And A Thousand Other Variations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! I hope you enjoy this extra little treat :)

Michael smiled benevolently.

"Eleanor, this is your soulmate, Gunnar." Gunnar grinned, and for some reason her eyes were drawn to his perfect, straight, white teeth.

"Can't wait to get a taste!" he said, still grinning. "…Of what life with you will be like!" he added, for no particular reason, certainly not glancing over her shoulder at Michael who was definitely still smiling benignly.

It was the community interpretive dance festival that gave it away this time. As Michael snapped his fingers, she considered that at least her thighs would be better off in whatever (literal) fresh Hell was coming next.

 

* * *

 

All around him, out in the plaza, down by the almond milk fountain, in their houses, strolling shamelessly down the quaintly cobbled streets: naked flesh of all hues. Bared bodies of all shapes and sizes. Standing right in front of him, hands spread expansively.

"That's right, Chidi! Body shame is a psychological flaw of living human societies, after all. You won't find a scrap of clothing anywhere in the neighborhood – and nor should you. There's often a period of adjustment, but soon you'll be feeling quite liberated, I assure you."

Chidi's horrified look just intensified. "This is the Bad Place…"

 

* * *

 

"I'm sure I can't wait to learn all about you, short girl," Tahani said, her face freezing as she realized what words had come out of her mouth. "I mean… Eleanor short. I mean…"

Eleanor grinned up at her. Or maybe leered. It was a fine line and Tahani wasn't sure which side she'd prefer to be on. "Hey no worries. I'm small but I'm potent. It's Tallhani, right?" She winked.

Tahani laughed nervously at the pun. 

Michael patted her arm paternally. "I'm sure you'll work it out ladies, you're soulmates, and this is the Good Place."

But was it?

 

* * *

 

Eleanor stared at the pterodactyl. It – she – stared right back.

A neighborhood exchange program, Michael had said.

Just for a few days, he'd assured her. Show Tzzzzerkqweh a good time.

But she'd eaten all the fish from the chippies that dotted every block, and had hunted everything in the river, and she was somehow still hungry. 

"This is the Bad Place," she whispered, not breaking eye contact with the ancient predator.

Elsewhere, though, Jason looked up in awe at the giants that surrounded him, remembering sneaking into the theaters to watch Jurassic Park …how many times? "This is sooooooo cool!"

 

* * *

 

She was a beagle. Okay.

"Woof," said the stately looking german shepherd, which she understood to mean "everyone knows dogs are morally superior to humans and that all dogs go to heaven – as it transpires, what this actually means is that all human souls that are judged to be 'good' are turned into dogs when they reach The Good Place."

Eleanor looked around at her companions: a regal looking afghan hound, an exuberant golden retriever, and a chihuahua so nervous it was quivering in place.

She looked back to the shepherd.

"Woof," she said, meaning "This is the Bad Place!"

 

* * *

 

At first it had been nice to be treated like a princess, but she was over it. The dresses that took an hour to get into, the fiddly food that was supposed to keep you full for hours but didn't, the ridiculous songs that people broke into for any occasion, some of which also went on for hours.

What really killed it was the elfmoot. How many people and hours did it really take to say "Princess Eleanor, we know you're the one who's been hoarding shrimp?"

She was so done with this LARP fantasy bullshit. "Good Place my ass."

 

* * *

 

"Janet," Jason asked, "we're friends, right?"

"I am an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier!" She beamed.

"Yeah. So, you told me time doesn't matter and you're here to do nice things so…can you take me to meet the Jacksonville Jaguars?" He beamed back.

"I can't do that, Jason. They're in the Bad Place!"

"But…they're my heroes! How can my heroes be in the Bad Place? And if I can't meet them, how can I be in the Good Place?" He frowned. "But then… am I in the Bad Place?"

Janet still beamed. "Yep!"

 

* * *

 

Chidi had been trying so hard with his soulmate. Jianyu listened intently to everything he said when he was around, nodding sagely as could be expected. But having someone so close whose opinions and insights into ethics must be so fascinating was torture. And he'd never thought of himself as interested in men. Had he been so distracted by his work while he was alive that he'd cost himself such a powerful experience of living?

The truth became instantly clear when he found Jianyu's hidden room, full of the most profane entertainments. This was torture: this was the Bad Place.

 

* * *

 

Eleanor and Jason annoyed each other at times, but annoying wasn't going to cut it. They were torturing everyone else fine, but they'd confessed to each other early on, and somehow completely missed connecting with Chidi or Tahani. Jason was exactly the wrong person to reinforce Eleanor's guilt about everything going wrong in the neighborhood. Worse – he encouraged her. They had *fun* together, no matter what he threw at them.

Currently, Michael was watching them giggle as they snuck out of Tahani's place, having replaced all of her fancy crackers with Goldfish. He sighed. It was time to admit defeat.

 

* * *

 

Michael hovered in the background as Eleanor and Chidi sat at the counter of the soda fountain, both their faces radiating concern as Vicky – Martine in this version – spun them out an entirely improvised backstory. She was incompatible with her soulmate, who reminded her of an abusive ex, or some nonsense.

"That doesn’t seem right to me," Chidi said, "Have you talked to Michael? I can't imagine he would make you stay in that kind of situation…"

But Eleanor had an all-too familiar look on her face as she looked up at him. "There is one way it makes sense."


End file.
